...

Client: You barely did anything! I'm not going to pay you!
Me: What I "barely did" was FIX YOUR PROBLEM.

Do you know how much your "clients from hell" are costing your business? Once you dollarize the damage, chances are you could be floored. It is easy to think we just have to deal with clients, and stick with them for decades.  It is perhaps, a financially bad decision not to revise your clienture.

Client: I’d really like X.  Let’s do X.
Me: Unfortunately X is not possible.  We could do A, B, or even C though.
Client: But I’d really like X.  Let’s do that.
Me: I’m sorry, but we can’t do that. It’s totally impossible. Would A, B, or C meet your needs?  I’m also available for a phone conference to get things figured out.  Feel free to call anytime.
After six weeks of silent treatment from the client while invoices are going overdue and late fees are accumulating.
Client: Any progress on X?

Don't rely on the goodness of a client's heart, or his/her money. With the cavalcade of crap that you work for your client every day and every sales person deserves more human decency in their lives, than work for free! We're all pretty lucky in sales, so long as clients pay.

Client:  "I love it! Can you do 7-10 more like it for your cheapest rate?"
Me: What do you think?
Client: This is great! It's just $X, right?
Me: No, we agreed to four times that.
Client: Wow, you're the most expensive person I asked to do the same work! Good luck getting paid.

1/....

"Can I just pay you in cocaine?"

Handling "off-the-record" sales is a PITA! Don't sell yourself short as a sales consultant. Working for yourself you take on loads of risk that your clients don't have to pay for. That should be reflected in your rates.

Client: Want to sell this product.
Me: Yes! What's your budget?
Client: If it's a hassle, don't do it.
Me: No hassle, I just need compensation.
Client: Don't put yourself out. If you're around, cool.
Me: You won't pay me, will you?
Client: No. I pay after you sell me.

Many well-off "bozos" with their fat pay, seek help of professional salesmen to run a shady company or business entity as side-income, sitting comfortably in their corporate desks, while earning 7 figures.

Client: Can you "teach me" how to do it so I don't have to pay you?

You may get strange requirements like "Hey, I want to build something fancy like this.. but can we do it entirely off-the-record?" And, mostly like "Let's work on commission basis?" "I have a vague idea and overvalue it immensely. Please do all the work of making this funnel a reality for no pay.”

Client: I know you live 200 miles away, but I demand you come talk to me.
Me: No, I can't afford to pay my travel.
Client: If you really want this gig, you should lose money to get more money.

Honestly, don't waste time buying the snake-oil talk of "off-the-record" deals who claim to to have large money, but need work done entirely on an informal basis, off-grid to avoid compliance, taxes, and money-trail.  

Client: "We’d like to trial 2 different lead campaigns & which is most popular."
Me: "Well that’ll cost you twice the price."
Client: "We’d like to pay you only for the one we use."
Me: "But..."
Client: "In sales we call it experimenting."

Why are they lying to build "trust"? This could be a lesson on Sales101 or politics, choice is yours. Here's a re-enactment.

Client: "I want to show we our company has ... % market"
Me: "Really? But you don't have ... , do you?"
Client: "No, but it builds more trust"
Me: "Lying to people.. Ahem, builds trust?"

Avoid unscrupulous, conniving requests, from those who claim to want your blood, toil & tears to build a good sales team for-hire, and work totally off-the-record, or simply as-and-when on brokerage basis. If you have been requested with such demands to broker someone's sales on a commission basis, AVOID.

Client: Can you rip off from this pitch deck?
Me: I can get close but need to stay legal. What's your budget?
Client: Why would I pay you anything? You're just ripping it off!

But if you are into the money and trying to do a freelance sales streak, try avoiding "x% of profit" deals as it leaves the ability to not pay if there is no profit. Negotiate "x% of total sales not less than brokerages instead.

Me: We can do this for $2500.
Client: My minutes from last meeting say you'd do it for free.
Me: I didn't say that.
Client: I'm known for the accuracy of my notes.
Me: Your MoM (Minutes-of-Meeting) could be wrong.
Client: Are you calling my mom a liar?

Rule #1: When a client asks "why would you need a contract," that's when you absolutely MUST HAVE a contract.

Client: I have to cancel our meeting! Can we reschedule for tomorrow?
Me: That's awkward for me. Why do you need to cancel?
Client: I dunno. Don't feel like it.
Me: "But.."
Client: Can you reschedule? I feel really powerful bossing you around.

Time is an irreversible asset. Managing your time wisely makes you work professionally and grow committed on running business sucessfully. Its wise to invest in your own time, than hob-nobbbing with bozos who don't have business plan, blueprint, idea synopsis, pitch deck, term sheet, go-to-market strategy, web assets and are dependent on your inputs. There is no point building someone else dreams. Get busy and struggle for your own relevance.

Client: Hey! Would you mind selling me this?
Me: Sure, lets talk a number.
Client: I can't afford to pay you but I'll repay the favor.
Me: You're lighting a cigar with a $100 bill right now.
Client: That's why I can't afford it!

2/....

Charge what you're worth.

Yes, that means charge more than you're charging right now. Guess what. When you're really busy, with more clients than you can handle, that's when you ramp up your marketing! Add more fuel to your advertising, and focus on getting more clients.

Don't spend on marketing, when you can't afford. Stop spending on marketing when your entire sales has sumped. Never spend a dime, when you're desperate, when you can't pay the bills. But, burn oil and keep the lights on when you are riding the roller-coaster. But, do you know see the good reason why?

Why do you want to do more marketing, when you're so busy?

If you are a sales professional who handles multiple accounts, and says "I can't even handle what I have." Charge more! Raise your bar. You feel confident of your work having raised new clients, and more good word about your work.

Client: We've decided this salesman isn't in our budget.
Me: It's $300.
Client: God, how can you say that with a straight face? SO MUCH MONEY!

Raise enough money, and when you have the money to pursue different marketing channels, find out which ones that work for you. You can chase several prospects. You can qualify your clients, pick and choose who you want to work with.

“I want a sales campaign that WOWs me. It should be better than NOKIA's. My budget is $200."

If you have clients that you're working with who you know are PITA, try getting new ones. Don't stick with same tasks for too long, and avoid monotony. Raising the bar is a great way to make clients feel special & to remind them about your own worth.

Client: $1000 for a business promotion? Seems expensive.
Same Client: $7500 for a vlog of me with a model? RAD! Worth-it.

PROTIP: When a client's business pitch includes the words "when we get a deal," you BAIL AND BAIL HARD.

When you get the marketing machine cranking, and charge more with fresh clients, you can get rid of those PITA clients, and ask them try your best competitor, perhaps grab their business card and give it to such clients from hell.

Me: I'd like to be paid slightly more for my work.
Client: writes magnum opus why paying is history's greatest injustice

Dealing with clients is often messy. Professionalism is restraining your laughter at the clients inability to haggle. If you are a startup, looking for help on how to deal effectively with clients, try talking with our team.

Keep hustling folks.